Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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