she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
