I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
