hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
