I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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