The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize