this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
