i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
