woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
