Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
