Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
