Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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