Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
