He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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