Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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