the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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