a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
