Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
