drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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