There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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