Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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