I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The best revenge is premature balding
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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