I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
