We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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