On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
