I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
