I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
