He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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