im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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