I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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