Non-Jews are for practice
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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