we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
