On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
