my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
