i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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