Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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