Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
