New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
