You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
