Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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