if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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