Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
