Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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