any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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