And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize