just come out here and I will go home with you...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
