Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
