I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
