i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
