She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
