Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
