I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize