im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
