just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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