ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
