apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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