last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
