So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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