it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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