who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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