It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
