And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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