i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Your penis caused this!
Randomize