I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he shaved USA in his pubs
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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