The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
