If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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