just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
