piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
