Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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